Don’t know what’s wrong with me these days…haven’t been up to par at all whenever I go out or just plain staying at home…it’s as if my whole body is giving up on me, or perhaps it’s fighting to survive, it’s just that I just don’t seem to have the will to carry on any longer…
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Today, I was quite happy to begin with, no idea why, maybe to cover the fact that I’m down on my luck and feeling really down and shitty about life. Yes, people, I DO get emotional from time to time, well DOH’ I’m only human, y’know…I have human emotions too, even if it sucks D:
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Just now, my parents too me and my bro near Kelana Jaya LRT station there to eat Bak Kut Teh. Was suppose to start out happy, then suddenly, my father mentioned that he seem to be missing a few RM50 from his wallet. He intentionally pointed out to me and my brother that he’s suspecting us la…seeing as how my younger brother and my lil sis aren’t at home (they’re at PBSM camp now…) to steal. So that just leaves me and my lil bro…
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Some more my dad even said that the person who could have taken it, took it between 11pm last night and 9am today…so I bengang la since OBVIOUSLY he’s pointing at me cause I went back home late last night around 12 something 1 like that…(went to Taylor’s college drama competition)…so bai meng he’s accusing me, right or not?!?! Damn fucked up la. Burst my bubble only…so the whole night, knowing that I didn’t fucking steal the money, I tried to lighten the mood la…damn it, I tried damn hard to make it lighter, the mood la…but still can feel the tension wan…
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So just now la, coming home from the Bak Kut Teh restaurant, inside the car, damn silent, no one dared to say anything…damn…I hate this la, some more kena screwed over and accused pulak…I don’t feel happy now…in a very black mood now. Some more just now my dad said tomorrow is Cheng Meng so need to go to the family grave-mountain to clean the graves and offer to our ancestors offerings. I said I didn’t want to go and then my dad got angry again la!
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The thing is, I’ve never been to help clean the cemeteries before. Never ever did anything on Cheng Meng before…not cause I’m lazy la. It’s cause I’m afraid to go…once when one of my grandparents from my mother’s side passed away, we went up a mountain in the morning to bury him, it just rained and everywhere was wet and muddy…like any good kid, I tried not to get scared and fall into somewhere cause a lot of holes here and there (for the next batch of coffins la…). What caused me to be afraid of mountain graveyards was that my brother who is younger than me by a year, he ALMOST fell into a HUGE hole…a huge hole so deep I thought that he’d be unable to get out of it if he fell…I was young that time and scared. That’s how I got this phobia of mountain graveyards…I mean, think about it…you’re going up the mountain and you accidentally slipped!! Oh no!! You feel your legs slipping under you and you feel yourself falling and sliding down the mountain. You see a hole in front of you but you can’t seem to stop yourself and you fall in…inside, it’s all four “walls” (more like four walls of sand, mud and creepy crawlies…). You try to climb out but it’s no use…the sand is caving in, burying you six feet deep, you can’t pull yourself up and finally, you’re buried…
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Yes, that’s my fear and I can’t stand it if any of my family members were to fall in…I think i’ll just die…(told you I’m damn emotional today…) Blah…I just don’t feel myself today…some more, the will to type is draining out of me. I’m just too angry, frustrated, upset, down and everything negative today at everything especially the part where I got accused…gawd!! I hate feeling like this…I want to go back into my normal self (normal for me that is…) and just cheer up again…maybe I’ll just stick myself into a cold shower later to cool my head and just chill…I just don’t know who to talk to about my problems at times…maybe that’s why I created this blog…to let out my frustrations at the keyboard and leave something behind to remember by as to WHY and WHAT caused my frustrations…-sighs-…my will to type is disappearing…I’ll just leave now. Maybe I’ll type again after that cold shower…yeah…
