Looking Back…

It has been about 3 months since I have been blogging without fail. No, I haven’t been blogging all of that 3 months in this blog. Come, let me tell you how I came to blog.

Actually, my blogging history started about 5 to 6 years ago, which was a bit pathetic cause I couldn’t even keep it up for a week. All I did was kinda just cracked some eggs and scrambled stuffs from all over the internet into that measely blog. At that time, the blog was on “Blogger” and I named it “Unpredictable Evil” yea, I was into all things bad then, a rebellious teen and all, but honestly, I couldn’t find the heart to pour anything into the blog that was actually coming from my heart. I was a pathetic “loser” who likes to talk maturely then with nothing to my name, my best friend was having a lot of problems back then with her boyfriend problems, family rambles and all the other stuffs. I really didn’t know how to really help her then but just listening to her and trying to feel where she was coming from. Believe me, then, being the “rationally-logical” person and the “caring, always-will-be-there-friend” is like juggling 2 jobs. I never really could have shown much of my emotions at that period of time, never really talked about my own troubles and such. I’m the kind of person who was “the listener” who was always there for you when you needed me and always never the “whiner complainer one-who-pours-out-your-soul-just-cause-you-had a-rough-time”. Everybody seemed to think that talking to me about their problems was a natural thing and all seeing as how they knew I planned to be a future-psychologist after all.

So, on and on, people kept piling their troubles onto my shoulders, just going on and on about how this suck and that suck and how it’s so unfair to them. Year after year, I began to start to feel as if their burdens were like my burdens. I got sick a lot, getting fever like every other weekend. And being me, a person SO pathetic, a sucker for anyone asking me for a favor, a person, unable to say “NO” to anyone asking for an outing and so on. I continued to carry the burdens these “sympathy seekers” piled on me and more. I wish I could say life was how it was suppose to be because that would be saying that I was meant to be used as nothing more but a punching back, the “when-you-whistle-I-come”, or even the “burdens cabinet” person. That would make my life more pathetic than it already is.

Day after day after day, I just kept hearing the same complaints again and again, I seriously got sick of it and thought I would have to kill myself to be free from all the “sympathy seekers”. I even have nightmares at night where people came to me to throw their burdens on me and then leave. I was all alone again in the dream. It kinda slapped me hard in the face, knowing that most of these people were just using me for their own selfishness. They only needed me when I am useful and they’ll just throw me aside when the time comes when I am no longer needed. It was such a cruel dream that it had to repeat itself nightly, sometimes a new nightmare would appear where I see my family and me being happy at first. We went for a ride around town and then I saw a graveyard, we all got off to look at something. But before I knew it, they were back in the car and drove off, leaving me behind. In fact, I could see them waving and smiling sinisterly at me and started to point to something behind me. I turned around to find 2 person beckoning me to go near them, afraid, I slowly walked up to them to ask them for their help when all of a sudden, a collar found it’s way around my neck, choking me with it’s tightness. I tried to ask them what was going on but they wouldn’t tell me, instead I was handed from one person to another until they all got tired of me and threw me off a cliff. A spectacular ending if I may say so myself.

Well anyways, with all that pressure, I thought starting a blog to put my thoughts into would be a nice change, I could just pour out my soul into the net without worrying about others having to carry the burden as well, I mean, not as if the whole world is gonna know about my blog, right? Right. Also, even if anyone had read it, they don’t know me, I don’t know them, the burden wouldn’t act like a baton and be passed to them too. No, they’ll just see that it’s an interesting read, a gossip thing, in a way. “Unpredictable Evil” was created. It was even decorated with a skull as the background, plain, gory, and nice.

And then “blogger’s block” came into the picture. I had no idea where to start! And so, I went on a search for good materials I could get my ideas from. Unfortunately, it backfired and instead I just took a piece of content from here, plucked a few from there, dug up some more from way over there and then tied it all together and published it. “Omg!! Such a LOSER!!” Yes I know. I’m sorry. Well, after a few entries, my internet went “kaput” and wouldn’t find a way to get back up and “Unpredictable Evil” became a forgotten memory for only about a few years when about 2 years ago, I made a comeback with “Unpredictable Evil” but again, it got trashed after only a few useless articles.

Then just last year, around end December, I made a final comeback into the blogging scene. I started to put my heart and soul into the articles I write because I don’t feel like being an outsider looking in anymore instead I want to be original to myself and just find a place to let myself go when University sucks or when I get into an argument with anyone or when I hurt myself or when my heart breaks and stuff. Knowing I have a place to just spill everything without worrying about what others think seeing as how I don’t know you, you don’t know me and you might even feel the same way as I do at times on different occasions.

So “Undeniable Beauty” started at “Blogger” on the 29th of December, 2006; “Undeniable Beauty” then became “The Undeniable Beauty” (due to the fact that I used to make “Undeniable Beauty” here on WordPress before and unfortunately due to circumstances, I deleted it and now it just won’t let me get it back u.u) on the 12th of February, 2007 with WordPress as the server and has been continuing at a crawler’s pace until today, 2nd of March, 2007 and will continue on till the day I decide that I don’t have the need to blog anymore (which would be when the world is at peace, where no conflicts lies in this cold heart, where I no longer see this world sarcastically or cynically. Which would be never!!! XD)

So yea, happy month of March! Happy birthday greetings are in order I see. Happy early birthdays to Bodicea (A good friend of mine who used to be my bestfriend but we’ve grown apart), love you babes, have a good 20th this year, call me out sometime yea! And a really happy birthday to my sister, Yen, she’ll be turning 16 this year, it’s crazy how time passes!! Also good luck in your studies/assignments/exams/working life/sleeping life/anything to all of you reading out there!! Yes I’m going on an all out today to give out good wishes to anyone and everyone. So cherish it!! Since this probably won’t happen again anytime soon 😛

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2 Comments

  1. Rock said,

    March 3, 2007 at 9:44 pm

    ahhhh, i remember unpredictable evil =P, it’s still on my favorites list. Anyways, i hope you never have bad dreams like that ever again and ya know i’m here when you need me. happy month of march to you too =D. c ya round.

    Jessica:
    Awwww, well, if you were to click on it, it’ll just say that page doesn’t exist anymore, I think…and I don’t really have dreams of those now, you know how my dreams are like, you bad man 😛 it’s of you ^o^ love you, babes!!

  2. Kai Yan said,

    March 7, 2007 at 10:23 pm

    Yeah, blogging is slowly getting me hooked… damn it… haven’t shut down my com for 4 days straight…

    Jessica:
    Lol, it’s not a bad thing to blog, in fact, it’s fun and it helps to just let out some frustration when I need to 🙂


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