Can’t You See? Don’t You Care?

Can’t you see? Don’t you care
That I want to die?
Don’t you listen? Can’t you hear
My silent cry?

Won’t you turn? Can’t you hold
Me to your heart?
Are you afraid of what might follow
Once you start?

Would you rather not believe
I’m in such pain
That all your sense and good advice
Must be in vain?

Would you rather tell yourself
I’ll be OK,
And all this adolescent angst
Will go away?

Ah! Would I also swim across
This lake alone!
But if you cannot swim with me,
I know I’ll drown.

::::::::::::::::::::

I’ve done something I’ve used to do before…it hurts now, I never thought that I’d be afraid to die, maybe I should just get it over with and then regret. But what do I get from it? Eternal damnation? Sounds like fun…but there’s so much of life I haven’t seen before like meeting people who I care the most, like making it to age 80 like my grandpa.

Oh life, cure me of my impure thoughts of suicidal attempts, or hurting myself, of unconditional thoughts, of my depression…I haven’t the slightest idea when I began thinking like this. Why the thought of slicing my arm seems so comforting…could it be that I’m ready to let go? Could it be that I see no meaning to my existence?

Then why do I hesitate so? Perhaps deep within me, I’m afraid to fail in everyone’s eyes…for throughout my life, I amounted to nothing but rebellion and childish tantrums. How I feel dead inside…is nothing compared to my will to survive. Perhaps I am the coward everybody knew I was…I’m sorry…

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2 Comments

  1. Rock said,

    March 28, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    never…i need you, even if you are away from me i still know that you’re ok…you should never think about leaving me and you’re not a failure, if you’re a failure then i should have killed myself a long time ago…but we shouldn’t think like that i don’t wanna think about what would happen if i left you behind…so you shouldn’t think about leaving me alone…

  2. fibrodenial said,

    March 29, 2007 at 1:18 am

    I’ve read a few of your posts and have to wonder if you have considered whether or not you may need help with depression? A lot of teenagers mistakingly assume it is just their “teenage-ness” that’s making them feel so “crazy.” Sometimes just knowing that your feelings are coming from places over which you have little control helps us to understand them better and not be so hard on ourselves. And honey… at 19 (which I’m assuming, since you want to see 20 yoa) you haven’t had time to be a true failure! Wait until your children hate you, your husband can’t stand to be in the same room with you, and your parents need YOU more than you need them! Then do this little personal assesment/inventory. Ha, ha. In other words, don’t discount the live you’ve had so far when the life you’ve been waiting for is just around the bend.

    Jessica:
    Technically, everyone have suffered from depression before. It’s not a uncommon thing. And I, without any exceptions, do suffer from depression too especially under stress. Isn’t that why I created this blog? I just want a place to let my frustration go. Not everyone has somebody to turn to when they are in need of help. Also, as a psychology student, I understand that my line of studies and in the future, work, I’ll be experiencing more due to the fact that other people will be transferring their problems on me to help them.

    What I’m trying to say is, this is my place of sanctuary to cry, scream, go nuts in. The only way to see me through my insanity therefore, making me sane. Sometimes I might exaggerate, but can you say that your head doesn’t always exaggerate the problems that is suppose to be small, into a whoppingly huge problem? No. And I understand that there are people out there experiencing problems more serious than mine. But in truth, you don’t really see a lot of these kind of articles in my blog do you? That’s cause I have a rather common “mood swings” problem and a mild depression disorder.

    Also, thanks for that insightful comment and welcome to The Undeniable Beauty ^^


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