Pure Unadulterated Hate…

As I sit here writing this article, my body is shaking in frustration, there is an itch inside of my body that I yearn to scratch…it’s truly unbearable…my head aches in pain, the voice inside screams to be freed, the voice screams and screams and screams…

WHY IS THE WORLD SO FUCKING UNFAIR!!! WHY AM I THE ONE TO RECEIVE THIS “GIFT”?!?!?! WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN ALL THE OTHER FUCKED-UPS OUT THERE WHO HAVE SINNED AND SINNED OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!?! WHY ME?!?!?!

Can life be anymore unfair? Why is the Lord taking my life into his hands? Why can’t he leave it up to me when I wanted to die? Why must he take the strings of time and shorten it? WHY?!?! Have I sinned, my Lord? Have I done something in my past life to have deserved such a punishment? Or do you have a personal grudge on me that needs to be scratched?

WHY ARE YOU CONDEMNING ME INTO THIS FATE WHERE I HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THE KNIFE AND MEETING YOU, MY MAKER!! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE MINDED YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND LEFT MY LIFE UP TO ME!!! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE CLOSED AN EYE AND WALK AWAY?!?! WHY ARE YOU PULLING ME AWAY FROM MY LOVED ONES AND THE WORLD?! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO COLD AND CRUEL?!?!

They say that I’m not suppose to hate you, Lord. They said that it’s me whose at fault, I who didn’t want it to begin with, I who had no inkling of what is happening to me, I who am afraid of burdening my family, I who am not Your devotee…but why did You have to condemn me for being all those? Do You not have enough devotees to kill off to be Your minions? Why me? Am I not good enough to live for at least another 70 years on this earth You had created?

::::::::::::::::::::

“It’s very treatable. All you have to do is go for the surgery and get rid of it”

“How much would the surgery cost me, doctor?”

“…it’ll be a lot, that is for sure, but the most important thing to do here is get you to do the surgery and be treated for chemotherapy…”

“I’ll have to think about it, doctor…”

::::::::::::::::::::

Did You like to see my saddened face? My downfall in life as I blindly walk through life? My emotionless eyes look around me, I see everything yet I see nothing, nor could I hear nor speak…tears are coming to me as I thought back on my short lived years…20 years, Lord. That was all You wanted to give me, wasn’t it? Was this planned from the beginning? Since the day I was born, perhaps? If You had wanted me so much, why didn’t You just take me at birth? Why now? Now when MORE people will get hurt and mourn for my leaving?

You are truly cruel, Lord. Yet people see You as THEIR savior, THEIR Lord beyond the pearly gates of heaven…yet you tear love ones apart and leave them all in desolation…

But guess what, Lord. I shall not give in to this fate that You had created for me. I shall live my last days happy, my family shall know nothing of it and be clueless of the cruel crime You have committed till the very end, cutting short their pain and leaving all the burden of mourning to me until I give out my very last breath…

But needless to say, You have my pure unadulterated hate for the rest of my pitiful life, now and forever, I shall not forgive you and will never when I see the ashen-ed faces upon my loved ones when my time grows near. Till then, I shall let them believe nothing is wrong and everything is right in the world, Amen.

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4 Comments

  1. maria said,

    April 7, 2007 at 6:15 pm

    Hi, this is my first time to drop by your blog. Sorry, what you writing in this post is real, and really happend? or just a joke? if it’s real, then I feel so sorry for you, and please go for surgery. Healthy is important than anything.

    Jessica:
    Who in their right mind like to be sick? Yes, maria, to me, this is real. But is it true? I wouldn’t know till I checked again which I will after my exams 😀 thanks for the concern.

  2. Guang said,

    April 7, 2007 at 10:04 pm

    Oh dear me! The word chemotherapy is freaking me out! You better go for surgery even if it’s not going to take place any time soon. Just cross your fingers that it isn’t too late. Going through chemo is still better than dying though chemo might cause a lot of pain but if it means your life, pain isn’t important.

    *pats back* *lots and lots* *solemnly*

    Jessica:
    I truly do not want to go…you know why? It’s cause the doctor who said all those stuff, have 3 time before, pulled me out of my classes to meet him to say “We do not know what’s wrong with you.” and even had referrals come in and look at me with the same answers.

    Seriously, I don’t trust him, he’s too fresh as well as his “referrals”…Thus why I am reluctant.

  3. Guang said,

    April 7, 2007 at 10:12 pm

    Hmmm, then I suppose a change of doctor would be the right thing to do. Just ask around for anyone that might know a doctor that is familiar with these kind of symptoms or just walk into another hospital. That might help.

    Jessica:
    I will after my exams 😀 thanks for the concern ^^ I’m just waiting for a doctor to say it’s just a skin infection 😛

  4. July 25, 2007 at 11:54 pm

    […] My previous rant : Pure Unadulterated Hate […]


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